I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
