saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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