I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
