Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
