i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
