dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
