Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
