All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
