Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
