Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
