i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
