and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
