It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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