Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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