Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
