if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
