last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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