omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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