How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
