i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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