so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
