Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
