there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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