help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
