and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
