the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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