Your dad touched me again.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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