Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
