I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
porn star boner night. come get it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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