i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Your penis caused this!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
