I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize