So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
