I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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