we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
