he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize