i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
