I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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