how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
