I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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