Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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