I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
