I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
