New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
