My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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