Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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