i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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