Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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