My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
