I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
