The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
