I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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