every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
is wine microwaveable?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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