hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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