I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
