Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
