I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Welp...herpes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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