I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
